Asking Questions Successfully with Positive Intent and Grace

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Questions from parents can be annoying.

Children want questions driven by genuine interest. Ditch the ones that we grab is handy conversation starter such as how was your day? And ask about something specific that you really want to know. How’s it going in algebra? I know you weren’t loving it last week. Honest questions get honest answers. Kids want parents to pick up the conversation topics they put on the table, so forget your carefully crafted genuine question if your child offers up a topic on their own.

Pick your moments, ask genuine questions, follow their lead. If you still continue to get curt and brief answers, be clear with your child you’re not expecting them to write you daily love letters but that they do need to conduct themselves in a way it is at minimum, polite. Being polite is a tricky concept with some pitfalls.

Be polite is more useful then be respectful because we can be polite to people who have not earned our respect and this is as much as we should ask of our children. You may not like the questions but you need to find a polite way of responding.

As a general rule, parents who allow their children to treat them in any way that is objectively disrespectful is damaging. Parents are often reluctant to do anything that might push away an already distant child, for teenagers know when they are misbehaving and they feel uncomfortable when they get away with it. When children are being rude, find a way to calmly and respectfully called him out on it.

When kids are being consistently rude, and they ask a favor of us, it’s fair to explain that that is not how the world works. People don’t do nice things for people who are mean to them. Better for our children to learn this lesson before they leave our home then when they are out of it.

“I feel torn, I really love you and want to help you in any way I can, but you’ve been snarky for days and I don’t want or I’m worried about giving you the impression that you can treat people poorly, and expect them to go out of their way for you. Got any suggestions for how we can make this right?

Car time can be your most valuable ally. Conditions of riding in a car, not having to look directly at the parent who is driving, the assurance that the conversation will end when the ride ends, benefits can be multiplied by more than one child in the car, offered to help with carpooling, wise chauffeurs know it is best to really play the part because trying to join the conversation or ask questions usually breaks the spell and ends the chatter or even worse the girls take the conversations to their phones.

Damour, L. (2017). Untangled: Guiding teenage girls through the seven transitions into adulthood. Ballantine Books.



Cami Eiskamp